Confessions of a Recovering Scolder

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Confessions of a Recovering Scolder

Confession: I’m a recovering “scolder”.

When faced with the foolishness and wrongdoing of my dear children, often my natural tendency is to unleash a fury of words intended to demonstrate the error of their ways and to point out in no uncertain terms my wishes for their immediate adherence to a better course of action.

As you might imagine, this is not always the most effective way to win the hearts of my children.

Book Recommendation: Hints on Child Training

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A year or so ago, Mr. Native Texan and I read a very old and very thought-provoking book on the topic of parenting.  The author, Henry Clay Trumbull, was a pioneer of the Sunday School Movement at the turn of the century, and his great-granddaughter was none other than Elisabeth Elliot Gren.

In his time, he was a highly regarded Christian author and spokesman, with a deep love for children and a desire to see peace and order restored to Christian homes.  He himself brought up eight children, and this book was written at the age of 60, in response to the many questions he received on the topic of child rearing.

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I highly recommend Hints on Child Training

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Scolding is Never in Order

In the three pages that comprise chapter 22, entitled “Scolding is Never in Order”, Trumbull points out that “no child is ever helped or benefited by any scolding he receives; and no parent ever helps or benefits his child by means of scolding.”

Ouch.

What exactly is scolding?

According to Trumbull, scolding is “rapidly spoken censure and protest, in the exhibit of strong feeling.”  It means “to assail or revile with boisterous speech.”

The current Webster dictionary defines it like this: “to speak in an angry or critical way.”

Trumbull does not mince words, nor does he let parents off the hook.  Check out this concise description of a scolding scenario (and see if it doesn’t strike a nerve with you, too, as it did for me):

If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words.  If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent’s first duty is to gain entire self control.

Mr. Trumbull maintains that when we resort to scolding, we lose any hope of truly influencing others–be it our children or anyone in any other sphere of life.

Karen Andreola, in her super helpful book A Charlotte Mason Companion: Personal Reflections on The Gentle Art of Learning, points out that “we can expect attentive listening from children if we do not scold them.“

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Hope for the Scolding Parent: You are not Alone

Truly, a non-scolding parent must be hard to find.  All of us, at one time or another and to one degree or another, find ourselves falling prey to the temptation to let loose on our kids–especially when they deserve it.

Trumbull himself points out that even many good parents scold their children, and that “many a child is well trained in spite of his being scolded.”  

However, he continues to assert, and I agree with him, that “scolding is not always ruinous, but it is always out of place.”

Help for the Scolding Parent: 5 Tips that Work

Now, it’s one thing to acknowledge that scolding should be avoided, that there are better ways to train a child.  But it’s quite another thing to figure out what to do in those moments that try a parent’s patience and seem to require a good scolding.

Can I get an “amen”? 🙂

So, from one recovering scolder to another, I’ll be sharing my Top 5 Effective Alternatives to Scolding in the days ahead.

• 5 Effective Alternatives to Scolding: #1 Charming Quotes & Playful Vocabulary
• 5 Effective Alternatives to Scolding: #2 Inspirational Models
• 5 Effective Alternatives to Scolding: #3 Training

These five strategies have worked well here in our Yankee Homestead, and I hope they’ll provide encouragement to those who would like to replace scolding with more effective, life-giving methods of addressing foolishness and wrongdoing in the lives of their children.

When are you most likely to scold your children?

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